blah blah blah

I literally am twiddling my fingers and toes just waiting for childbirth. I am on my 9th month, still not full term, but my baby is complete! therefore, safe to bring out into the world! My doctor wants me to give birth like NOW NA...what with my weight gain, and my baby being a 6 pounder already.

Unlike the previous months wherein she had advised against walking, dancing, or any major movement at all...she now takes it all back and wants me to don lycra outfits, sneakers, and what have I, then jump into a treadmill and sweat my ass off! "I don't care, have as much sex as you want...just do it!" <----her literal words...my eyes ogling arvin at the side.....his eyebrows twitching up and down at me...hihi!
 But alas!

I am still holding off from too much activity, my baby shower happens on the 19th...and so many other things happening this coming week. Lord forbid, I give birth before any of them happens. To top it all off,    Arvin might take a 10 day project in Japan in two weeks...we are thinking about it...we need the money...but, how does one weigh the importance of our finances versus his presence at my childbirth. My mind explodes.

The irony is, I had walked around Binondo, 168, and Sm city the whole day yesterday. My feet are still throbbing and I am limping like a hunchback today... except this time the hunch is at my lower front instead of the back. I am suddenly so darn active. It's like I received a license to live, and I'm killing it!

I came home, knocked out...did not even bother to shower (eew)...but I did pour alcohol all over me. I do miss this kind of exhaustion. Work is but a distant memory.  I've only been active for a week...days before that, I was unable to make movements again... literally wanted my own wheelchair. 

I had no idea that rib muscle expansion could ever happen. But it truly does in pregnancy. My left side ribs were the first to go, but only slightly...it was bearable and eventually went away. Next were my right side ribs...this time it really took the cake...ate all of it, and made me watch..without giving me so much as a bite. (in other words, pure torture) My cough made it worse. Every time I barked, it felt like a permanent knife attached to my rib was stabbing me over and over again. I cannot explain the excruciating pain. The slightest mundane movement was like....oh God, I don't have the words. This is how I realized that rib muscles are truly essential parts of our body function (duh)....they make up probably 70 percent of the force needed to lift yourself up, get up from the bed, move from side to side, and even lifting a finger. The center body is indeed the core. Our core. Don't take it for granted. I am better now obviously...my cough died down, my ribs are back to normal. 

A pregnant friend of mine called me yesterday morning, sobbing on the phone. She said she did not know who else to call, since "they wouldn't understand...they're not pregnant"....she has not slept for 2  days. Her right ribs hurt, and she is coughing....sounds familiar?  The irony is (again), she never felt all this  discomfort with her first baby...it truly boggled her. And when you're in serious physical pain, it won't be impossible to feel all other pain (emotional, mental) existent in your life. She sobbed for the pain, the fact of stretch marks, our feet never going back to it's original size (goodbye, old shoes! ), to the hindrance of being able to travel. Summer is gone, and she has not seen the beach.  Such petty things, you might say...but when you're pregnant, these things take impregnable force to ignore.  It is hard to take your mind off things if these things are staring at you in the eye without blinking...even with your eyes closed. 

Despite all this, I feel blessed.  Pain is, after all...a great character builder. 

fume-less water color skies

i have a month and a half to go....chop suey feelings all over the place. sometimes i dread it, sometimes i just want to give birth already and get it over with. i experienced pre labor pains twice and i can't even get myself to moan for the pain...i did not even realize my tears were falling...gushing on my face until arvin tried to wipe them all away. it felt like my lower body was apart from me, or that it was trying to let loose from the rest of me....and i wanted it to!

anyway...it's been awhile since i wrote here. gone are months that should have been noted for the events that transpired since. no use crying over spilt milk....though i think i could cry if i did spill some milk nowadays! i'm still so darn sensitive!

there are many things i miss: my friends!, walking (i can't walk for so long now..i get so tired and my feet feel like they're going to burst after a while), getting pissed drunk (a little), smoking (sometimes), my skinny body (a lot!), sushi and sashimi, trying to surf, lying on my stomach and crossing my legs! oh my gosh, i really miss crossing my legs...although it might do me good never to do so again...varicose veins are gross!

i do nothing but read, water-color, and look out the window. i can't even fix the house yet, since everything takes too much effort and i'm forbidden to get too tired or stressed...or the pre labor monster shows up again and i have nowhere to run, not even lying down helps! looking out the window is one of my favorite things to do now...since i look out to a vast land of lush green and i can count how many goats and geese stop by the one big tree out there for shade. i have a prairie out front....how lucky am i? it's like 'not' living in a city, while living in the city. i fantasize filling the whole plain with sunflowers, since they would be facing our way...the sun rises just behind us! one day i will....and the sunsets are glorious...i call it my 'water-color skies' time....the air is specially crisp in the morning and there is always a choir of birds by the trees outside my window. i plan to acquire small birdhouses to hang on the tree branches so they can hang out with me!

once, while lying on the bed, i looked up the window and saw a big yellow bird with black wing tips and an orange beak on top of the highest mahogany branch...around the yellow bird were three long-tailed brown birds flying all around it. beautiful!

i love where i live now. i am very happy where i am, who i'm with, and what i'm doing. i am inspired everyday to paint (in water-color only...since its fume-less) and because of the trees that surrounds us, even if it's summer, it never gets too hot in the house.

this is indeed a good place to grow a child. i plan to grow a vegetable and flower garden out front, so my baby girl can play with real soil and climb trees! it's specially dreamlike when the flowers bloom out here, all kinds of butterflies float and flutter by.

dreams do come true :)

move it, not!

Went to zambales a couple of days ago and got a nice tan. I stayed close to the shore because Arvin won't let me go in far enough...enough to have my whole body under the water. I did my best by bending my knees as the white water hit me. It was sunny and the water was cool, which became a little warmer the longer you stayed in. I had on my one piece suit which despite it's color (black) did not hide my growing body. I felt so fat amongst the svelte surfers around me...BUT! the good thing about being pregnant and in a swimsuit is that i don't need to hold my breath and tuck my tummy in...i was donning that belly like there's no tomorrow!



Well, except when we went to the local palengke. I was passing by in between these two fishmongers who seemed used to shouting every word that came out of their mouths without mind.

fishmonger #1: Pare, tignan mo yun chick, okay yan!

fishmonger #2: Ang laki ng bilbil eh!

Waaaaaa! I was oddly humored and mortified at the same time! and to top it all off, it was funny to hear the word 'bilbil' (loose belly) again...haven't heard it in a while. My suspicions of me looking more fat than pregnant was confirmed. Okay, I am both fat and pregnant. I accept. Besides, as one of my good friends did remind me, that this whole thing is not about me, it's about my baby. (Thanks asela!) I am comforted by this thought.



Anywho, the name of the place was Liwa Liwa in the town of San Felipe. This is the entrance to the beach. Odd to be surrounded by pine trees on sandy ground. Isn't it ironic? don't chu tink?

And this is arvin and i going into the entrance to the beach. There was a beautiful white iron gate. I don't know why there's an underline to my every word, tried to get rid of it, but can't...so bear with me. And for some reason, i can no longer upload anymore pictures. Haaay! Thanks to Mrs. Raena Abella for them beaut photos by the way! :)

New topic: Bed rest!

Yes, I'm on bed rest. I was rushed to the E.R. last night. I was having contractions the whole day and some spotting. I thought it normal, till the my doctor called me to immediately check myself in. It did not feel much more painful than any normal cramps come PMS days. But i guess the doctor thought otherwise. This was serious stuff. Though i did feel weaker than usual. I was prevented to walk so i was thrown into a wheelchair and went through several tests. I thought it somewhat exaggerated...but everyone in the hospital did think it serious enough, so i complied.

Today, I spent most of the day in the hospital yet again. Arvin hauled me on a wheelchair everywhere. I felt so special yet helpless at the same time. Wheelchairs have special powers. People around you are nicer, but they all seem to try to avoid eye contact. It was weird. Perhaps people thought that people in wheelchairs are ashamed of being in one, avoiding eye contact would hide their pity and prevent prolonging shame in the whellchairee. On the contrary! i was enjoying the ride! Though i was growing tired by the minute. It was probably all the excitement.

I went through a pelvic ultra sound. I saw my baby. And he or she is bigger this time! And super malikot! It was in a breech position which made it hard to see the sex. Plus the doctor said, i should wait 2 or 3 more weeks to find out, and to be very sure. Good timing because 2 weeks from now i will be having a thorough congenital ultrasound. Normally, the doctor would advise any patient to eat chocolates before any ultra sound, so as to see the baby move in the womb. But she said, i don't need to. Oh, doctor, but i need to eat chocolates!

The doctor said that the probable cause of my spotting and contraction is stress and moving a lot too much. I admit, i am secretly stressing about some things lately. Mostly people and relationships. I cry alot. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I've got sentiments I can't seem to get over with and some that are too hard for me to wrap my head around with. I really don't know how i feel...all i know is, there is pain. Apart from over feeling, i tend to clean the house a lot nowadays. I just can't stop.

I was prescribed a drug that i have to take 3 times a day together with the slew of tabs i have to take as well. Tab cocktails aren't fun. It makes me gag. Then i am on bed rest. I even have to be escorted to the loo whenever i have to go. How crazy is that? Not as crazy as the suggestion of getting a bed pan. NO WAY! I am literally ordered not to make too much movement. Thank God, i only have to move my fingers to write all these. Poor arvin has to cook and do the dishes after. I am definitely loved. Thank you God!