blah blah blah

I literally am twiddling my fingers and toes just waiting for childbirth. I am on my 9th month, still not full term, but my baby is complete! therefore, safe to bring out into the world! My doctor wants me to give birth like NOW NA...what with my weight gain, and my baby being a 6 pounder already.

Unlike the previous months wherein she had advised against walking, dancing, or any major movement at all...she now takes it all back and wants me to don lycra outfits, sneakers, and what have I, then jump into a treadmill and sweat my ass off! "I don't care, have as much sex as you want...just do it!" <----her literal words...my eyes ogling arvin at the side.....his eyebrows twitching up and down at me...hihi!
 But alas!

I am still holding off from too much activity, my baby shower happens on the 19th...and so many other things happening this coming week. Lord forbid, I give birth before any of them happens. To top it all off,    Arvin might take a 10 day project in Japan in two weeks...we are thinking about it...we need the money...but, how does one weigh the importance of our finances versus his presence at my childbirth. My mind explodes.

The irony is, I had walked around Binondo, 168, and Sm city the whole day yesterday. My feet are still throbbing and I am limping like a hunchback today... except this time the hunch is at my lower front instead of the back. I am suddenly so darn active. It's like I received a license to live, and I'm killing it!

I came home, knocked out...did not even bother to shower (eew)...but I did pour alcohol all over me. I do miss this kind of exhaustion. Work is but a distant memory.  I've only been active for a week...days before that, I was unable to make movements again... literally wanted my own wheelchair. 

I had no idea that rib muscle expansion could ever happen. But it truly does in pregnancy. My left side ribs were the first to go, but only slightly...it was bearable and eventually went away. Next were my right side ribs...this time it really took the cake...ate all of it, and made me watch..without giving me so much as a bite. (in other words, pure torture) My cough made it worse. Every time I barked, it felt like a permanent knife attached to my rib was stabbing me over and over again. I cannot explain the excruciating pain. The slightest mundane movement was like....oh God, I don't have the words. This is how I realized that rib muscles are truly essential parts of our body function (duh)....they make up probably 70 percent of the force needed to lift yourself up, get up from the bed, move from side to side, and even lifting a finger. The center body is indeed the core. Our core. Don't take it for granted. I am better now obviously...my cough died down, my ribs are back to normal. 

A pregnant friend of mine called me yesterday morning, sobbing on the phone. She said she did not know who else to call, since "they wouldn't understand...they're not pregnant"....she has not slept for 2  days. Her right ribs hurt, and she is coughing....sounds familiar?  The irony is (again), she never felt all this  discomfort with her first baby...it truly boggled her. And when you're in serious physical pain, it won't be impossible to feel all other pain (emotional, mental) existent in your life. She sobbed for the pain, the fact of stretch marks, our feet never going back to it's original size (goodbye, old shoes! ), to the hindrance of being able to travel. Summer is gone, and she has not seen the beach.  Such petty things, you might say...but when you're pregnant, these things take impregnable force to ignore.  It is hard to take your mind off things if these things are staring at you in the eye without blinking...even with your eyes closed. 

Despite all this, I feel blessed.  Pain is, after all...a great character builder. 

fume-less water color skies

i have a month and a half to go....chop suey feelings all over the place. sometimes i dread it, sometimes i just want to give birth already and get it over with. i experienced pre labor pains twice and i can't even get myself to moan for the pain...i did not even realize my tears were falling...gushing on my face until arvin tried to wipe them all away. it felt like my lower body was apart from me, or that it was trying to let loose from the rest of me....and i wanted it to!

anyway...it's been awhile since i wrote here. gone are months that should have been noted for the events that transpired since. no use crying over spilt milk....though i think i could cry if i did spill some milk nowadays! i'm still so darn sensitive!

there are many things i miss: my friends!, walking (i can't walk for so long now..i get so tired and my feet feel like they're going to burst after a while), getting pissed drunk (a little), smoking (sometimes), my skinny body (a lot!), sushi and sashimi, trying to surf, lying on my stomach and crossing my legs! oh my gosh, i really miss crossing my legs...although it might do me good never to do so again...varicose veins are gross!

i do nothing but read, water-color, and look out the window. i can't even fix the house yet, since everything takes too much effort and i'm forbidden to get too tired or stressed...or the pre labor monster shows up again and i have nowhere to run, not even lying down helps! looking out the window is one of my favorite things to do now...since i look out to a vast land of lush green and i can count how many goats and geese stop by the one big tree out there for shade. i have a prairie out front....how lucky am i? it's like 'not' living in a city, while living in the city. i fantasize filling the whole plain with sunflowers, since they would be facing our way...the sun rises just behind us! one day i will....and the sunsets are glorious...i call it my 'water-color skies' time....the air is specially crisp in the morning and there is always a choir of birds by the trees outside my window. i plan to acquire small birdhouses to hang on the tree branches so they can hang out with me!

once, while lying on the bed, i looked up the window and saw a big yellow bird with black wing tips and an orange beak on top of the highest mahogany branch...around the yellow bird were three long-tailed brown birds flying all around it. beautiful!

i love where i live now. i am very happy where i am, who i'm with, and what i'm doing. i am inspired everyday to paint (in water-color only...since its fume-less) and because of the trees that surrounds us, even if it's summer, it never gets too hot in the house.

this is indeed a good place to grow a child. i plan to grow a vegetable and flower garden out front, so my baby girl can play with real soil and climb trees! it's specially dreamlike when the flowers bloom out here, all kinds of butterflies float and flutter by.

dreams do come true :)

move it, not!

Went to zambales a couple of days ago and got a nice tan. I stayed close to the shore because Arvin won't let me go in far enough...enough to have my whole body under the water. I did my best by bending my knees as the white water hit me. It was sunny and the water was cool, which became a little warmer the longer you stayed in. I had on my one piece suit which despite it's color (black) did not hide my growing body. I felt so fat amongst the svelte surfers around me...BUT! the good thing about being pregnant and in a swimsuit is that i don't need to hold my breath and tuck my tummy in...i was donning that belly like there's no tomorrow!



Well, except when we went to the local palengke. I was passing by in between these two fishmongers who seemed used to shouting every word that came out of their mouths without mind.

fishmonger #1: Pare, tignan mo yun chick, okay yan!

fishmonger #2: Ang laki ng bilbil eh!

Waaaaaa! I was oddly humored and mortified at the same time! and to top it all off, it was funny to hear the word 'bilbil' (loose belly) again...haven't heard it in a while. My suspicions of me looking more fat than pregnant was confirmed. Okay, I am both fat and pregnant. I accept. Besides, as one of my good friends did remind me, that this whole thing is not about me, it's about my baby. (Thanks asela!) I am comforted by this thought.



Anywho, the name of the place was Liwa Liwa in the town of San Felipe. This is the entrance to the beach. Odd to be surrounded by pine trees on sandy ground. Isn't it ironic? don't chu tink?

And this is arvin and i going into the entrance to the beach. There was a beautiful white iron gate. I don't know why there's an underline to my every word, tried to get rid of it, but can't...so bear with me. And for some reason, i can no longer upload anymore pictures. Haaay! Thanks to Mrs. Raena Abella for them beaut photos by the way! :)

New topic: Bed rest!

Yes, I'm on bed rest. I was rushed to the E.R. last night. I was having contractions the whole day and some spotting. I thought it normal, till the my doctor called me to immediately check myself in. It did not feel much more painful than any normal cramps come PMS days. But i guess the doctor thought otherwise. This was serious stuff. Though i did feel weaker than usual. I was prevented to walk so i was thrown into a wheelchair and went through several tests. I thought it somewhat exaggerated...but everyone in the hospital did think it serious enough, so i complied.

Today, I spent most of the day in the hospital yet again. Arvin hauled me on a wheelchair everywhere. I felt so special yet helpless at the same time. Wheelchairs have special powers. People around you are nicer, but they all seem to try to avoid eye contact. It was weird. Perhaps people thought that people in wheelchairs are ashamed of being in one, avoiding eye contact would hide their pity and prevent prolonging shame in the whellchairee. On the contrary! i was enjoying the ride! Though i was growing tired by the minute. It was probably all the excitement.

I went through a pelvic ultra sound. I saw my baby. And he or she is bigger this time! And super malikot! It was in a breech position which made it hard to see the sex. Plus the doctor said, i should wait 2 or 3 more weeks to find out, and to be very sure. Good timing because 2 weeks from now i will be having a thorough congenital ultrasound. Normally, the doctor would advise any patient to eat chocolates before any ultra sound, so as to see the baby move in the womb. But she said, i don't need to. Oh, doctor, but i need to eat chocolates!

The doctor said that the probable cause of my spotting and contraction is stress and moving a lot too much. I admit, i am secretly stressing about some things lately. Mostly people and relationships. I cry alot. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I've got sentiments I can't seem to get over with and some that are too hard for me to wrap my head around with. I really don't know how i feel...all i know is, there is pain. Apart from over feeling, i tend to clean the house a lot nowadays. I just can't stop.

I was prescribed a drug that i have to take 3 times a day together with the slew of tabs i have to take as well. Tab cocktails aren't fun. It makes me gag. Then i am on bed rest. I even have to be escorted to the loo whenever i have to go. How crazy is that? Not as crazy as the suggestion of getting a bed pan. NO WAY! I am literally ordered not to make too much movement. Thank God, i only have to move my fingers to write all these. Poor arvin has to cook and do the dishes after. I am definitely loved. Thank you God!

Old (and young) wive's tales.

Alot of people have been touching my belly as if i'm buddha. It's hilarious. Once...no twice, i went to a party with people playing poker and they all wanted me to sit beside them for luck. Someone even grazed their wallet on my belly in the hopes of filling it in some more, in time for Christmas shopping...When you're pregnant, you are suddenly everyone's good luck charm, a talisman, a mascot, and the all magnetic juju...not only do you get the best seat in the house, the best food, but for some reason, cab drivers are nicer and they rush to you even before you raise a hand to hail for them, people let you go ahead in line, everyone blows their cigarette smoke away from your direction or leave to smoke somewhere else all together, and you are constantly asked for anything you need....Ah~ the perks of being pregnant.

This week, we get to go for our second (ever) ultra sound. I am so excited. First, because i'm tired of googling images on the web for fetal development, I get to see the actual image of my child and the growth! Second, because we finally get to know the the sex and lock in on the name!

I have been getting odd and credulous theories on how to know your baby's gender without the help of technology, from various people, especially my mother. All incredibly unfounded and groundless....but nevertheless, fun. Old wive's tales are oddly, and remarkably appealing, sometimes, i want to abandon all logic and believe. I admit, sometimes, i am drawn to believe. I figure if they had been there long enough and withstood the test of time, they could be true...

Anywhoo, here are some of some of the superfluous superstitious appendages I've heard so far... (regarding fetal gender)

It's a boy if;

• your belly juts out like a sharp torpedo, and rides low to your crotch.
  
• your nose gets oilier and bigger. (ugh.)
• you get dark spots in certain areas of your body (nape, underarm, crotch). (double ugh!)
  
• you are lazy to fix yourself (eg. dress up, put on make-up, and what not).
• you are lazy to clean up around the house (does not apply to people who are naturally like this in the first place, i think...or maybe you get worse).
  
• you feel your baby's first flutters or movements on the left side of your belly.
• you eat a lot of fruits with seeds in it.
• you eat a lot of sour food.
• you have oily hair.
  
• you experience crazy morning sickness.
  
• you have skin break outs.
• you are just plain ugly.....haha!

It's a girl if;

• your belly rides high and wide.
• you have supple beautiful skin.
• you love fixing up (dressing up, make-up, etc.)
• you are very O.C. around the house.
• you feel your baby's first movements on the right side of your belly.
• you eat a lot of sweets.
• you eat a lot of fruits without seeds.
• you have dull and thin hair.
• your morning sickness does not last after the first trimester...or none at all.
• you are glowing and beautiful.

So far, i've been experiencing the tall tales of having a boy. I am lazy lazy lazy. Though i still clean up around the house, i do so with grumbling and it takes me forever because i take a lot of breaks. My red lipstick is my only saving grace for looking made up when i do go out. Felt my baby's first jab on the left side of my belly, been eating lots of sour stuff, and breaking out like crazy.

Am i having a boy?

We will know for sure this afternoon or wednesday!

I am loved.

I am looking out the window as i write; the sky is one monotonous grey lump without texture. It has not stopped from raining since hours ago, when i stayed in bed just looking out, my back turned away from arvin but my hand still in his. Along with the rain, my eyes could not help from pouring as well. I am filled with all kinds of sentiments i can't even zero in on any details. Like the skies, it's like a big lump of liquid mush...unidentifiable.

I know it's wrong to feel this way. I am loved...and that is all that should matter. I have two beating hearts inside me, strong and avid. I want to keep silent but my mind is raising. I know what i write in this blog may sound uninteresting to others, but i meant this to chronicle my pregnancy...that someday i may look at these days and never forget.

I spoke to my baby for the first time yesterday....i mean really spoke to him or her. Because with all my morning sickness gone (well almost), I was truly doubting if he or she still existed at all. The last time we went to the doctor, we could not hear a heartbeat...it was not an ultrasound...i forget what it was called...anyway, she told me it's normal, sometimes it's hard to hear the baby's heartbeat because my uterus is retroverted. But since then, i was worried sick. I became paranoid and regretted not complying to my mother's superstitious advice.

As i spoke, i asked my baby to please show me a sign that he or she is still alive. And lo, i felt slight jabs and fluttering! I was so happy. Since then, I had been feeling the baby move around my belly. Now even. I guess this happiness is also part of my tearful out-pour, together with all the other details i cannot discern.

Believing is seeing!

Not one is the same.

A good friend of mine called me the other day and told me how surprised she was that she is having troubles with dizziness like i am. she is bed-ridden, vomits everything she eats, and has mood swings that goes round and round, non-stop. This is her second pregnancy and she is 8 weeks along. She said that her first pregnancy made her feel like a princess, the complete opposite of how she is now. I said: 'Welcome to my world.' I was so sensitive that i could not take harsh and direct lighting, (daylight made me want to scream), loud noises, and too many things happening at once. At some point, i could not stand music even. I wanted complete silence all the time.

I felt somehow relieved thinking that i am not alone. That this really happens, and it's not just in my head. I started blaming myself for a while, thinking that maybe i'm just 'maarte' and i make things worse just by thinking it. That maybe my fear of childbirth is getting the best of me. I admit, i knew people thought this of me and i was seriously hurt. It just made me want to curl up in a ball even more and hide from the world...I felt like i did not belong. That i am not human at all. That there is something wrong with me. That i was contaminated.

I remember asking my mom if she was the same and she said, even worse when she was pregnant with me, she would faint up until i was born. Another friend of mine is having her third baby and she suffers the same things with her previous pregnancies up until the 5th month. Then why was i thinking that i was alone? And what made me believe that i was normal only after my friend called me the other day? I don't know.

All i know now is that people should never judge other people just because they never felt the same things. Or assume that all pregnant women go through the same ordeal every time. And if you don't feel the same, i only hope that you don't go through the same ordeal as i have.

On a lighter note; i am much better now. the roller coaster has stopped taking me for a non-stop ride . Though i still feel woozy every now and then, i am ready to get off this train and walk around the carnival in wonder and without fear. In fact, i am oddly suspecting if i am still pregnant at all. Gone are my dizzy spells, irritations, and some cravings. I keep asking arvin if he thinks i'm still pregnant. And he assures me that i am. I don't feel my tummy getting any larger....maybe i'm just paranoid. I was so used to the painstaking ride, i forgot how it feels to be normal. I think that i might go have my second ultra-sound. This time, i will find out the sex of my baby. Kinda scared and excited at the same time. :)

Lola wears what?

I still get dizzy...but i'm definitely feeling better. My mood is better and i am able to do more things. My belly is showing mighty that i had to purchase some 'lola' panties (granny underwear). They are so big, one can mistake them as a one piece suit, holding them up in the air. Haha! But i can't wear anything else. My bikini undies are way too small now and i hardly feel protected. And when i wear my regular undies, they start to roll down my belly. So uncomfortable! When i got the granny undies, i had to hide them from arvin for a while, because obviously, they drain the sexy out of me. When i showed him finally one day, i saw the life drain from his face...it went from pink to pale. It was so funny and alarming at the same time. We laughed, but my tummy soon ached from the laughing i had to force myself to get serious. Too serious in fact, that i soon felt bad he had that look. Roller coaster ride all over again! The good thing was; we laughed in the end.

I am so unimpressed by the maternity wear i see out in the market. What's up with that? I do not want to be restricted by bad, insubstantial mommy fashion. I can't stand huge clothes that make pregnant women look more like whales than humans. I want to show off my pregnant belly not hide it. I want to look like a bad-ass mama! I think that i might make my own mommy clothes instead. (light bulb moment!)

Another thing i noticed nowadays is that my nails and hair are growing so fast! i quit cutting my bangs and nails because they seem to grow almost half an inch after a week!...okay i do cut my nails once in a while....i have to resist scratching myself to avoid stretch marks. Gosh, I had no idea being pregnant meant so many restrictions. I get so lazy regarding myself lately, i can't for the life of me, even put on make-up when i have to go out. And it takes me forever to do the dishes..which i thought impossible...ever!

I am naturally warm. Warmer than most people. Sometimes i feel heat waves around my body when i pay enough attention. But i am absolutely warming up like boiling water nowadays! I can hardly sleep at night. And for the first time, i've resisted being hugged by arvin at night! It is ridiculous! I take 3 showers a day, i'm afraid i might dry up. I don't know how i'll survive come summer. I can't stand the heat coming off the laptop right now even...excuse me...i think i'll take my 2nd shower for the day.