Not one is the same.

A good friend of mine called me the other day and told me how surprised she was that she is having troubles with dizziness like i am. she is bed-ridden, vomits everything she eats, and has mood swings that goes round and round, non-stop. This is her second pregnancy and she is 8 weeks along. She said that her first pregnancy made her feel like a princess, the complete opposite of how she is now. I said: 'Welcome to my world.' I was so sensitive that i could not take harsh and direct lighting, (daylight made me want to scream), loud noises, and too many things happening at once. At some point, i could not stand music even. I wanted complete silence all the time.

I felt somehow relieved thinking that i am not alone. That this really happens, and it's not just in my head. I started blaming myself for a while, thinking that maybe i'm just 'maarte' and i make things worse just by thinking it. That maybe my fear of childbirth is getting the best of me. I admit, i knew people thought this of me and i was seriously hurt. It just made me want to curl up in a ball even more and hide from the world...I felt like i did not belong. That i am not human at all. That there is something wrong with me. That i was contaminated.

I remember asking my mom if she was the same and she said, even worse when she was pregnant with me, she would faint up until i was born. Another friend of mine is having her third baby and she suffers the same things with her previous pregnancies up until the 5th month. Then why was i thinking that i was alone? And what made me believe that i was normal only after my friend called me the other day? I don't know.

All i know now is that people should never judge other people just because they never felt the same things. Or assume that all pregnant women go through the same ordeal every time. And if you don't feel the same, i only hope that you don't go through the same ordeal as i have.

On a lighter note; i am much better now. the roller coaster has stopped taking me for a non-stop ride . Though i still feel woozy every now and then, i am ready to get off this train and walk around the carnival in wonder and without fear. In fact, i am oddly suspecting if i am still pregnant at all. Gone are my dizzy spells, irritations, and some cravings. I keep asking arvin if he thinks i'm still pregnant. And he assures me that i am. I don't feel my tummy getting any larger....maybe i'm just paranoid. I was so used to the painstaking ride, i forgot how it feels to be normal. I think that i might go have my second ultra-sound. This time, i will find out the sex of my baby. Kinda scared and excited at the same time. :)