Arvin was getting scared that i am dizzy 24/7 that he called a doctor friend of his and asked about it. The doctor said it's not normal, that i must have myself checked. After a grueling time of pulling and pushing, he convinces me to go. I was scared. I hate hospitals and anything medical. One of our visits to the doctor was so traumatic, i almost want to have my childbirth at home. Imagine this, my doctor asked to have me go through so many laboratory tests, i almost died. I went through 8! and 6 of them involved blood! Aside from being nauseated, my knees were buckling that day and i'm very surprised i did not faint.
There was a line to the laboratory and most of them were kids getting their first blood typing, blood count...and blood what not. Imagine the screaming and wailing. i was praying so hard for grace, i think i almost popped a vein! my hands were clammy and i almost couldn't walk because my knees were buckling like crazy. Like the kids with their moms, i asked that arvin come with me to the laboratory...i swear i could feel the medics little smirks if it were not for my half closed eyes. They sat me in a little cushioned chair (cushioned or not, i was not comfortable at all!) beside a table with all these test tubes and syringes. Only a small partition made out of fabric separated me from everyone else going through the same ordeal. Hearing the kids wail made my fear grow into a monter. My heart was raising and my spirit ran out of the door...all that was left was my body, my crazy imagination, and my beating heart. Even if i had my hands to my ears, the screaming was so audible, i don't think i could drown it even if i screamed myself! I was bracing myself for the blood typing (yes, i did not know then what my type was...its AB positive by the way) and blood count. Just 2 blood involved tests, and i was dying! then the nurse said after looking at my lab. request sheet: "Oh, ang dami pala nito, medyo masakit ito ma'am at matagal kaya easy lang kayo.." (oh, this is a lot of tests, this is going to hurt and take a while, ma'am, so take it easy.).....WHAAAAAAAAT??? easy lang ako???.... it turns out they were going to get 6 full tubes out of me!!! Arvin turned my face away from the syringe because for the life of me, and in my fear, i could not take my eyes away from it! It took forever and i felt every drop of blood come out of me, together with the screams, like a stroke of blade on my flesh. Just writing about it now makes me weak. Anyway, this is the reason why it took forever for arvin to convince me to go to the doctor yesterday to see about my dizziness. I was afraid of the same scenario happening again. I did everything possible to get me out of the case, i even lied that i felt no dizziness at all, that i was lying the whole time because i'm too lazy to do anything but stay in bed and let him do my every bidding! He told me i was acting like a child, but i did not care. The only thing that made me go was the fact that i was so hungry and there was nothing in the fridge. I knew he was not going to get food for me, unless i came with him to the hospital....So like a reluctant prisoner, i slumped my way out of the door.
To cut the story short, the doctor said I WAS NORMAL! though i might be one of the unfortunate ones who will go through morning sickness all throughout their pregnancy and a little while after the birth. OH GOD, HELP ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!! please please please make me abnormal! :( I die now.
If you must know, (not that you have a choice), childbirth is one of my greatest fears. Don't get me wrong...i love kids. I love them so much i even adopted 2 kids who are with my parents right now. I have no problem raising a child or taking care of them, just the actual physical birth. It just seems so violent, there's too much blood involved. Every time i think about what will be happening to me 7 months from now, i could hardly breathe. Not that i was ever trying to avoid having a child, i knew i will have to face it one day...I just can't believe it's happening to me now. NOW IS THE TIME, THE TIME IS NOW. No way around it. This is really happening. I wish i were like my friend, corinne, who, since i've known her, never had a problem with pain....in fact, sometimes i suspect, that she enjoys it too much. haha!
I do not know how to suppress a feeling, let alone an actual physical feeling. I don't know how other people numb out just by thinking it. Pain is pain and pleasure is pleasure. I do not have the capacity to switch them around or think that this 'feeling' is that 'feeling', or that a 'feeling' does not exist at all! If there is a word or a sensation for it, IT EXISTS! I always thought that i must be faithful in everything, even to a word, and especially a feeling.
I'm rumbling on. Sorry!
Closer the movie is on TV! i have a feeling that i must watch it for the nth time. and i am faithful to my feelings! hah!
TAH!
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